Priorities

I’ve been thinking about priorities a lot lately. I have a lot of really great things in my life. My little family of Angela and our animals. A house and backyard that isn’t too greedy. We live in a place that has a valley named Paradise attached to it, a literal paradise. We’re healthy, we are financially stable enough to enjoy some of our hobbies whenever we choose.

But while I’m working I’m somehow constantly feeling a sort of lack. Or maybe an imbalance. It’s maybe irony that stings when the job that has helped us afford these things since we moved up to Squamish is the same thing that spends the time I need to enjoy life in Squamish.

It’s no secret among my coworkers, even my boss knows that I have plans to leave the film industry. I want to live my life from my home. I want some of the hours I spend working in the city (We work a sort of minimum 60 hour work week in film.. often more) to do the things I thought I was working this job to be able to afford to do. It’s also no secret that I stay in the city (or Langley) during the week, the drive daily up the Sea to Sky highway isn’t a safe option for myself, as well as I don’t want to spend that much of my life driving a car. It’s too expensive for gas and better for my health to use that time running or something else at the gym.

This information isn’t new. But it’s grinding at me. It was difficult early in the summer this year, I worked on the Sunshine Coast for roughly three months. On paper it was awesome, I parked the van at a rental apartment that production paid for, I rode my bike to set more days than I drove (which is very important to me) and the town and locations we worked at were stunning. Being a smaller show the workload wasn’t even too crazy, even the days that felt big weren’t really too chaotic or taxing. I also made a lot of spoons, at least I learned a lot about the process, keeping my hands busy on day exteriors while trying not to stare at my phone.

What the hell am I rambling on about here? Priorities. I’ve spent the last few days thinking about priorities. I have smaller slices of life to enjoy daily with this job. It’s often just gym, shower, sleep, work. Sometimes omitting 1-2 items off that list, use your imagination which items get dropped on longer days.

I want to be able to spend more time with Angela and our pets. More good walks and adventures with Becky. I want to ride a bicycle everyday (okay, I can skip,days it’s raining). I want to work on my photography practice every week. I want to be healthy in diet and active everyday. I want to make things often and regularly. I want to be able to read more.

This isn’t rocket surgery. This isn’t a list that’s unfamiliar to most humans on the planet. It’s some basic ass shit. Why is it eating at me so much? I think largely because it feels like the only way to get out of the hole of debt that everyone in our generation seems to be haunted by I have to keep working this job, for, a while at least. I’ve got my scheme to get out, I’ve got a plan that feels mildly sane to make my small business ideas sustainable. I also feel stuck. Stuck in this pattern of needing to get our bank accounts right to be stable enough to take the risk of starting a business full time and the unstable nature of that.

There’s moments where the difficult part is, I’m good at my job. I actually enjoy the work most days, I’m constantly learning something new about light and lighting and I’m part of a larger team making something creative (ish, let’s be real I’m working on network television). I feel valued most days at my job. But the human being in me wants to be closer to home, closer to my heart which largely belongs to being active and making things. I feel like a brat for being sad that I’m not at home at the end of the night.

This ramble has been brought to you by the unnerving need to commit thoughts to solid things. Anyway, it’s time to leave the coffee shop that a mildly longer turnaround today has afforded me to relax at for a slice this morning. I wish I was riding bikes instead.